Apology transcript

"Dear everybody, I, Marion G. Robertson, do sincerely apologize for issuing a fatwa calling for the death of Hugo Chavez. During our war on terror, it is obviously reckless to advocate terrorist acts against Presidents of functioning democracies.

Some of you reminded me that respect for life is a key tenet of Christianity, one that I must have lost in my drive to make piles of money. Indeed those Ten Commandments -- whose erection before courthouses I fantasize about constantly -- seem to indicate that murder is not even allowable by God. I really didn't know what I was doing, inciting people to break the Sixth Commandment. On behalf of the Christian Broadcasting Network, I acknowledge my error and promise to go back, and, y'know, read the Bible and stuff so I can stop being a sad goggle-eared hypocrite.

Oh, also, my lawyers tell me that I can now nuance the phrase 'take him out': it does not actually mean to kill Hugo Chavez, but to take him out of the country to another undetermined place. Yes, I was advocating kidnapping, not murder, do you not recall the brilliant success of the Xi'an incident?

Finally, if my attempt to incite terrorist acts really is in violation of the Inter-American Convention Against Terrorism, just please remember I didn't actually put up any money for the deed. I know this is a bad time to quibble, but I wasn't actually financing terrorism, just advocating it. So keep sending me money, I promise I will use it only for my harmless new Hugo Chavez Funeral Countdown feature."